seeking wisdom on the other side of the globe

What is this?  A blog?  One I’ve been neglecting no doubt.  I made a mental note to update at least once a month.  Haven’t said anything in December so far and it’s almost over.  When I created this blog it was my intention to document my thoughts or any epiphanies I thought was worth sharing with those back home.  Recently, my desire to come up with “thought-provoking” entries has waned.  It could be the latest manifestation of writer’s block temporary in nature or it could be a real reflection of shifting priorities.  My habits have led me to attempt to finish a journal I’ve had since 2006, something I hadn’t written in on a regular basis until sometime earlier this year.  I’ve been struggling to get myself back in the mood for blogging and to a certain extent, reading for pleasure/my own curiousities, two things I did quite readily.  Either way, forgive me if this blog continues to witness sporadic commentary.

I’m trying not to get so caught up in the “shoulds”, my own perceptions of I ’should be doing this’ or I ’should have achieved this by now’.  We come into things on our own time and can’t expect that our interests and motivations will be the same at any given moment in time. The past few weeks I’ve been in and out of my routine.  First I was on Pilgrimage and then a week later I spent a short time in Spain.  I was grateful for the little Spanish I had studied before my vacation as English in the south of Spain was minimal except for a few who needed it in their line of work or from other travellers who I ran into every now and again.  Since I only knew enough of the language to get by, I certainly wasn’t having many conversations.  Needless to say, it was a fairly quiet time where I relied on my wits, prayer, the kindness of strangers and some ingenuity.

Although I was fine with independent traveling for the most part, there were certain moments which made me realize the necessity of connecting with others.  For example, when I was eating lunch on a park bench in Granada I had simple interactions with a woman and her baby sitting on the adjacent bench and with the older man sharing mine.  Words never went beyond an ‘hola’ or an ‘adios’ but something about it affected me after both parties departed.  Maybe I was feeling particularly alienated in that city compared to the perceived warmth of Sevilla and wanted some acknowledgement.

I wouldn’t take back the experience though.  There were times when I fell in love listening to someone play flamenco guitar outside of the Alcazar in Sevilla near sundown.  Got to experience fall as I remembered it with the changing leaves and buttoning up of jackets.  Somehow got around as a first time independent traveler with limited language skills.  And made it back home despite missing my flight and having to wait another nervewracking day in the aiport in Madrid.

2010 is approaching in a mere 6 days.  New Years Eve will mark my 3rd year of being a Bahai.  I don’t know what this coming year will bring, but do we ever?

I’m laying in bed trying to fight off sleep a little longer.  It isn’t too late in the evening but a mild cold, the build up of weariness over the course of the week and my laziness is accelerating the process of wanting to retire for the night.  I have a half day left of work awaiting for me before the weekend.  With nothing planned, I don’t exactly know what I’m going to do with myself.

Another week of work and then I’ll be on pilgrimage.  I’ve only been able to think of it in abstract terms until recently.  The closer something gets, the easier it is for me to anticipate its coming.  I’m excited to be able to have some time away from the office.  I don’t know what to expect but I’m hoping that I can begin to refocus myself.  Although I’m 25, sometimes I feel like I’m just a kid.  I’m on track in one respect, it seems the more you learn, the more you know you understand nothing.  I weave in and out of  ideas, interactions, words on pages, moving from one thing to the next in search of inspiration. I suppose no matter how old one gets, we’re always struggling to move forward.  We take what we learn and apply it to the situations we encounter next.

In  a few more weeks time, I’m off to Spain for another small hiatus in routine.  I have a ticket.  I have a general idea of where I’ll be (looking to divide up my time between Seville, Cordoba and Granada).  The rest is more or less unplanned.  I’m hoping to reawaken some creative form, photography, writing, drawing or otherwise, while I’m there.  I’ll have more than my fare share of unfamiliar territory spark my imagination.  Expect the posting of a few photos to follow come the end of the year.

So this is where I am now.  Lost somewhere between here and there but trying my best to learn something from it.  That’s all I can do.

There’s always something on the horizon.

I finally have wireless back in my flat and am attempting to stream another episode of New York Undercover on YouTube.  The connectivity can be kind of slow, but for better or for worse, it’s better than nothing.  This past week was busy, particularly toward the end as I felt an increased pressure to finish the tasks I normally complete on top of whatever additional work there was.  They say that the thing that makes you excited to get out of bed in the morning is what you should think of pursuing as a career.  While I have no trouble going to work–most days–is it something of the likes that I would want to do as an occupation?  Editing.  Suggesting. Differentiating between British and American English.

Maybe.

I know nothing of the future.  As of right now my head hurts slightly as a consequence of my tooth sendng reminders of its sensitivity.  A friend of mine recently got her wisdom tooth pulled out perhaps it’s sympathy pains.  I guess I’m gently being reminded that although mine are all relatively in tact the line between health and ailment is fragile.  Beyond that I’m merely hanging on to my consciousness in the hope that I’ll be tired enough to fall asleep without disturbance and sleep well into the morning.  I’ve managed to make it through my first year without falling majorly ill but quality sleep remains a continual challenge.

These are all minor physical complaints, comparatively my state of mind is similar. Overall it’s in good shape just with minor splinters that make you stop and reflect a bit.  I’m trying to up my resiliency to certain vices those things you know are probably bad for you but you indulge in it anyway.  Recently, me and a small group of friends of mine have been trying our best to motivate each other to follow through on the helpful things in life:  prayer, study, engaging with like minded people, and being more uplifting than frivilous.

It’s working well so far; we’ll see how it progresses.  By the way, there’s been an absence of photos in the past months, which I hope to fix soon.

Hey.

Its been awhile.  Last time I was attempting to reflect on my year in Haifa.  Next thing you know, two months have passed.  Back home I would have the privilege of  observing clear indicators of the passage of time through the turning of leaves and gradual (or even sudden!) dip in temperatures.  I’m more of a fan of the temperate months than the extremes of summer and winter.  Fall is for the start of sweatshirt season, an increase in the enjoyment of drinking warm beverages and the inevitable flurry of holidays that act as stepping stones leading toward the coming year.   While in Israel things do get a little cooler and the change in atmosphere brings on the much needed rain of the season, it’s not the same, but it’s what I have, and being here is something that continues to grow on me, particularly as of late.

This has been the week of forgetfulness, almost every night ending in me leaving groceries or something at another person’s flat.  The latest item that has gone missing is my flash drive which I have no recollection of really misplacing.   Guess my head has been in other places.  I’ve been thinking a lot about old thoughts and habits that may have served a purpose at some point but are now obselete or in need of revision.  Quite often we react to situations in terms of our past, and we anticipate from the beginning how something is going to turn out.  Sometimes those conclusions, if gathered with a discerning eye, provide insight into the situations we face.  However, if we don’t revisit those conclusions on a regular basis we can fall into the trap of  boxing ourselves into inescapable habits.

It’s hard not to psych ourselves out of changing.  In fact it’s much easier to remain as we are, whether we’re given good results or not.  It doesn’t have to be that way.  Slowly but surely I’m trying to implement that mindset in regards to my own life.  I got all nostalgic recently thinking of the people in my life, friends from back home, most of them who are still in my life and some who aren’t, who have been warm and encouraging over the years.  I’d like to think that their time has been put to good use.

Yeah, I used to think that I may have not been capable of standing on my own in certain situations or have the ability to do one thing or another.  Instead of  picking at my weaknesses, maybe it’s about time to get past the past.

O Son of Being!

Bring thyself to account each day ere thou art summoned to a reckoning; for death, unheralded, shall come upon thee and thou shalt be called to give account for thy deeds. Baha’u'llah

Last Thursday marked the one year point in my term of service in Haifa, Israel, many people in my orientation have since left, disappearing as if in a dream.  I’ve been reflecting a lot on the things I’ve learned here, mainly in my journal dubbed the “little black book” by a friend of mine.  Since I’m free to write whatever I want on paper, I find it a little more challenging lately to figure out what to write here.  I get stuck feeling as if I’ve already said what needed to be said and because of that, I take more time thinking about what to report in the public sphere.  My conception of time continues to be hypothetical at best which leads me to the conclusion that I will never figure it out.  Time alone is not what matters but rather how it’s being spent.  We always say we need more but were we to receive it we still wouldn’t be satisfied.  Everyday there’s something so I try to catch spare moments here and there to cross off the things on my what-I wish-I-were-doing list.

Taking yourself to account is one of those ways to gauge the quality of what you do.  No matter how much time you’re given there’s still opportunity for pushing yourself a little bit further in terms of things you can get done or, even better, increasing the meaning and sincerity in your interactions with others.  A friend of mine was talking to me recently about her frustration with how people relate to each other.  Personally, I consider myself  in the independent category and favour myself in that light than desiring to be around large groups of people.  I feel satisfied with just being in my space and observing others.  However, it seems that for the demands of the world it seems as if this attitude is not enough.

To live and engage with society means being able to build a sense of community in a more substantial way than merely occupying the same physical space as another.  What does it mean for someone like myself?  It is realizing that creating a greater sense of community entails sacrificing personal preferences and putting things like selective conversations or a need to play roles that feel more “natural” aside.  Granted, there’s nothing wrong with having a unique mode of expression or taking time for yourself to do what you like.  The important part is balance, tending to both your needs as an individual and of one living in society.

Little things matter.  I do my best to smile at others when passing even if I don’t know them or at least say hello, but there’s always more that could be done.  I guess this is one of the reasons why reflection and meditation at some point in the day is important.  I think I’ve come a long way since a year ago, though I feel like I won’t really get a sense until I travel outside of Israel to give myself more of a comparison.  I plan on taking a vacation after I go on Pilgrimage the end of November, where that will be is still up in the air but at this point it will probably be Spain or somewhere thereabouts.  In the meantime, I press on, continuing to look for opportunities to expand my understanding.

Act. Reflect. Repeat.

There was a slight blog hiatus for a couple of days because I couldn’t get the renewal thing for my domain straightened out fast enough.   Although things done virtually are supposed to be more convenient than other methods, I find that negotiating with the Internet is frustrating at times.  I’m all set, however, at least for another year.

There’s been so much happening in the past week or two that it feels like more time should have passed.  Last time the thing immediately on my mind was the technological breakdown happening among my own possessions.  Recently, I’ve been concentrating on developing or refreshing my current relationships.  I anticipated the arrival of a couple of friends of mine who were visiting Haifa for Pilgrimage.  There have been a lot of people from the Midwest who have come and gone but since I’ve known for awhile that they were coming, I felt all the more eager to see them.  We hung out quite a bit  in between different events and I was able to laugh a lot during all the random moments.  I was reminded of how much I missed friends from home but all the while was thankful for being given an opportunity to catch up in person and to know that we’re all still busy trying to do what we need to do.  With the pilgrims gone, life in Haifa is in its summer mode.  For those who are serving here we just have each other, for now.

I’m up to my usual activities:  looking after a flat (no cats this time), encouraging myself to finish my rolls of film, thinking about the nature of coherence and personal development, working, and most recently, tutoring on the side.  I’ve been pretty happy lately and not just in my normal manner–a calm, steady stream of relative contentment—but in a more stirring way.  All I can say is, life is good so…bring it on!

I was purusing through some blogs I read on occasion—I often forget how much I like reading them—and came across the latest rumination by the always thoughtful Mona.  She discussed her battle with being ‘asleep’ to some of the urgent needs of society and that perhaps a major change in location would rescue the spirit of action from the grips of neglect.  Some comments were made about there being the same need for valiant servants in the U S of A as well.  I immediately thought of my own situation and a dilemma that has visited me from time to time regarding the somewhat murky future:  would I be abandoning a certain destiny were I to ignore the domestic and permenantly set my sights abroad?

There’s this little commentary about the state of America and where it’s headed called the Advent of Divine Justice, written by Shoghi Effendi.  Within those pages is a perspective which underlines the idea of America having potential for a high, spiritual destiny, not because it is the embodiment of righteousness and justice, clearly, but because it has issues with materialism, corruption, racial prejudice and the like.  To overcome such ills would require intense transformation brought on by hard work, stuggle and determination to reverse the moral lapse in judgement.  This is only a summary; however, it’s this level of awareness which begs consideration.  No matter where you are, there is disintegration happening in an environment near you.

 I can probably start to recognize what it means to have been born in the United States, its fortunes and its responsibilities.  Whether I’m there or somewhere else, there is a lot to to be done.  Through trial and error I can slowly discover where I’m needed the most.  For now, I guess I’ll leave it at that.

The electronics I’ve brought to the Holy Land are slowly decaying.  First, it was the battery for my Mac, which conveniently died when I got to Israel, the closest thing to a store being an idea of constructing one in Tel Aviv.  Even if there were one nearby, I doubt I could afford to do anything except sit at the ‘Genius Bar’ and look pretty.  Yesterday, it was my digital camera.  It was a cheap model I bought at Target a little over a year ago.  Before you know it, poof.  A click of the shutter and the sensor goes out.  One can easily be seduced by technology, but when it malfunctions, you realize how dependant you’ve become.  We all have histories, some past, we lived without the latest gadgets before.  How quickly we forget.

That past continues to die out.  The up-and-coming generations are already born in a high-wired world.  Those who don’t have easy access to those features of life are viewed as being “behind the times”.  I guess this isn’t new.  We just have to struggle to create a balance, myself included, between the technological world and the organic.   One thing that I’ve still been able to rely on is my film SLR and I attempt to take photos around the Arc at the Bahá’í World Centre, among other places, with some trusted friends who are probably more into photography than I am.   I wouldn’t call it a passion, but I still do it because there’s an ever-present desire to participate in some creative endevour. 

If you can’t beat technology, you may as well use it to your advantage [in a positive way of course!]