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I’m laying in bed trying to fight off sleep a little longer.  It isn’t too late in the evening but a mild cold, the build up of weariness over the course of the week and my laziness is accelerating the process of wanting to retire for the night.  I have a half day left of work awaiting for me before the weekend.  With nothing planned, I don’t exactly know what I’m going to do with myself.

Another week of work and then I’ll be on pilgrimage.  I’ve only been able to think of it in abstract terms until recently.  The closer something gets, the easier it is for me to anticipate its coming.  I’m excited to be able to have some time away from the office.  I don’t know what to expect but I’m hoping that I can begin to refocus myself.  Although I’m 25, sometimes I feel like I’m just a kid.  I’m on track in one respect, it seems the more you learn, the more you know you understand nothing.  I weave in and out of  ideas, interactions, words on pages, moving from one thing to the next in search of inspiration. I suppose no matter how old one gets, we’re always struggling to move forward.  We take what we learn and apply it to the situations we encounter next.

In  a few more weeks time, I’m off to Spain for another small hiatus in routine.  I have a ticket.  I have a general idea of where I’ll be (looking to divide up my time between Seville, Cordoba and Granada).  The rest is more or less unplanned.  I’m hoping to reawaken some creative form, photography, writing, drawing or otherwise, while I’m there.  I’ll have more than my fare share of unfamiliar territory spark my imagination.  Expect the posting of a few photos to follow come the end of the year.

So this is where I am now.  Lost somewhere between here and there but trying my best to learn something from it.  That’s all I can do.

I finally have wireless back in my flat and am attempting to stream another episode of New York Undercover on YouTube.  The connectivity can be kind of slow, but for better or for worse, it’s better than nothing.  This past week was busy, particularly toward the end as I felt an increased pressure to finish the tasks I normally complete on top of whatever additional work there was.  They say that the thing that makes you excited to get out of bed in the morning is what you should think of pursuing as a career.  While I have no trouble going to work–most days–is it something of the likes that I would want to do as an occupation?  Editing.  Suggesting. Differentiating between British and American English.

Maybe.

I know nothing of the future.  As of right now my head hurts slightly as a consequence of my tooth sendng reminders of its sensitivity.  A friend of mine recently got her wisdom tooth pulled out perhaps it’s sympathy pains.  I guess I’m gently being reminded that although mine are all relatively in tact the line between health and ailment is fragile.  Beyond that I’m merely hanging on to my consciousness in the hope that I’ll be tired enough to fall asleep without disturbance and sleep well into the morning.  I’ve managed to make it through my first year without falling majorly ill but quality sleep remains a continual challenge.

These are all minor physical complaints, comparatively my state of mind is similar. Overall it’s in good shape just with minor splinters that make you stop and reflect a bit.  I’m trying to up my resiliency to certain vices those things you know are probably bad for you but you indulge in it anyway.  Recently, me and a small group of friends of mine have been trying our best to motivate each other to follow through on the helpful things in life:  prayer, study, engaging with like minded people, and being more uplifting than frivilous.

It’s working well so far; we’ll see how it progresses.  By the way, there’s been an absence of photos in the past months, which I hope to fix soon.

Hey.

Its been awhile.  Last time I was attempting to reflect on my year in Haifa.  Next thing you know, two months have passed.  Back home I would have the privilege of  observing clear indicators of the passage of time through the turning of leaves and gradual (or even sudden!) dip in temperatures.  I’m more of a fan of the temperate months than the extremes of summer and winter.  Fall is for the start of sweatshirt season, an increase in the enjoyment of drinking warm beverages and the inevitable flurry of holidays that act as stepping stones leading toward the coming year.   While in Israel things do get a little cooler and the change in atmosphere brings on the much needed rain of the season, it’s not the same, but it’s what I have, and being here is something that continues to grow on me, particularly as of late.

This has been the week of forgetfulness, almost every night ending in me leaving groceries or something at another person’s flat.  The latest item that has gone missing is my flash drive which I have no recollection of really misplacing.   Guess my head has been in other places.  I’ve been thinking a lot about old thoughts and habits that may have served a purpose at some point but are now obselete or in need of revision.  Quite often we react to situations in terms of our past, and we anticipate from the beginning how something is going to turn out.  Sometimes those conclusions, if gathered with a discerning eye, provide insight into the situations we face.  However, if we don’t revisit those conclusions on a regular basis we can fall into the trap of  boxing ourselves into inescapable habits.

It’s hard not to psych ourselves out of changing.  In fact it’s much easier to remain as we are, whether we’re given good results or not.  It doesn’t have to be that way.  Slowly but surely I’m trying to implement that mindset in regards to my own life.  I got all nostalgic recently thinking of the people in my life, friends from back home, most of them who are still in my life and some who aren’t, who have been warm and encouraging over the years.  I’d like to think that their time has been put to good use.

Yeah, I used to think that I may have not been capable of standing on my own in certain situations or have the ability to do one thing or another.  Instead of  picking at my weaknesses, maybe it’s about time to get past the past.

There’s been so much happening in the past week or two that it feels like more time should have passed.  Last time the thing immediately on my mind was the technological breakdown happening among my own possessions.  Recently, I’ve been concentrating on developing or refreshing my current relationships.  I anticipated the arrival of a couple of friends of mine who were visiting Haifa for Pilgrimage.  There have been a lot of people from the Midwest who have come and gone but since I’ve known for awhile that they were coming, I felt all the more eager to see them.  We hung out quite a bit  in between different events and I was able to laugh a lot during all the random moments.  I was reminded of how much I missed friends from home but all the while was thankful for being given an opportunity to catch up in person and to know that we’re all still busy trying to do what we need to do.  With the pilgrims gone, life in Haifa is in its summer mode.  For those who are serving here we just have each other, for now.

I’m up to my usual activities:  looking after a flat (no cats this time), encouraging myself to finish my rolls of film, thinking about the nature of coherence and personal development, working, and most recently, tutoring on the side.  I’ve been pretty happy lately and not just in my normal manner–a calm, steady stream of relative contentment—but in a more stirring way.  All I can say is, life is good so…bring it on!

Okay, so it’s taken me a little bit to get back into the blog-o-sphere.  With sporadic internet access outside of work I’ve taken the necessary refuge in softly bound notebooks and a couple of good pens I carry with me in the event of being inspired.  It’s been 11 months today since I’ve been in the Holy Land.  Things are going well, routine as things tend to get over time but always with room to grow as new challenges arise.  I’ve been thinking vaguely about the future and realized how bad I am at dealing with too many choices in life.  Sometimes you can’t make decisions because the time isn’t right but I still wonder if my fickle heart could use some direction.

Last night I was talking with someone from Zimbabwe, my facilitator for a class I take Sunday evenings.  She asked me a lot of questions like  how education worked back in the States and if people ever really got to know their neighbors or if there’s really that much open land available.  One difference she noted was the amount of opportunities one had if they grew up in America versus in say, Africa.  There isn’t so much back and forth about what should I pursue in the future. You know which occupations are beneficial, and you go with what works.  As I tried to describe my interests, academically and otherwise, she laughed, marvelling at how I’ve jumped from learning Japanese, Arabic, some Spanish and smattering of other languages with no real direction; how I thought about continuing to hone my skills and major in art but chose arts of the liberal variety instead.  What drives you in life? she asked, laughing harder.  I couldn’t give her a real answer, too many things hold my attention.

Recently during a talk someone gave for my Orientation mates and I,  the importance of having coherence in life was mentioned, particularly when it comes to your actions.  Don’t say you’re one thing and then act differently depending on who’s around you.  If you want to make a change in society, don’t invest your time in activities that make no sense together.  This can be applied to many things.  As I’ve gotten older it seems like I’ve lost some of that coherence.  Blame it on technology that steals away your attention span when you’re surfing from one site to another or in superficial relationships or other such vain imaginings.

Whatever the culprit, I’d like to reclaim some of that focus without worrying about making choices or answering the age old question of ‘what’s next’.  One step at a time.  Even if you’re not sure where you’re going at first, if you just start somewhere it’s better than spinning around in circles.

Looks who’s come sauntering back…

me. 

I haven’t updated in a couple of months; I didn’t even notice that the server had gone haywire until recently.  Kindly enough a friend prompted me to revive the Web site and restored it back to what it once was [almost].  As the entry prior indicates, the rest of my posts will be brought back shortly. 

As usual, I’m in another temporary location taking care of someone’s feline while they’re on vacation.  I’ve gained the reputation as the resident “cat-sitter” and while those aloof creatures are among my favorite friends, I’m reminded how thankful I am to only have this responsibility on an impermanent basis. 

In between busing, walking and contemplating, most of my hours have been spent at work, on occasion spending unpredictably long hours there.  I don’t mind most of the time.  I’m increasingly becoming more accustomed to my newest duties.  Part of the responsibility lies in being self-aware, trying to be cognizant of what’s fueling my actions.  When you work in a team and have to help encourage the strengths of the friends it’s important, however difficult at times, to think of the interests of the work over your own.  

However much I may quietly complain, I enjoy it all more than what I may let on at times.  Things just have a way of inserting themselves into conversations–comments that can be labeled as self-defeating or a little more pessimistic than intended.  Thankfully, other people are there to help point that out.  What can I say?  Life here is a fast-paced environment of action and reflection.  When viewed in the right spirit, there’s a lot of learning to be had.

Be not content with the ease of a passing day, and deprive not thyself of everlasting rest.  Barter not the garden of eternal delight for the dust-heap of a mortal world.  Up from thy prison ascend unto the glorious meads above, and from thy mortal cage wing thy flight unto the paradise of the Placeless. -Bahá’u’lláh

The other night I was at a talent show and one of the acts performed a song by Sam Sparro called ‘Black & Gold’.  The next day after sifting through some music I swiped from a friend’s laptop, I came across a remixed version of the song and have been listening to it continually ever since.  I found some more of his stuff on YouTube and found the lyrics to one particularly interesting.  He asks:  how do I climb out of this funk I’m in? And how do I cling to the frame of divine timing?  Why do I doubt sometimes that which I know for sure? And why when I’ve had enough I seem to ask for more?  Why do old habits die so hard, God knows I try and try…

Under the guise of dance beats and the occasional Prince-like sound, this guy seems to ask the questions I wonder about now and again.  It’s that long stream of consciousness that mirrors doubts and uncertainties.  We yearn for answers and sometimes seek them in the wrong places or are in the path of search and due to the delay in results it’s difficult to keep up the spirit of faith.  It’s something I’m constantly working on, trying not to mull too much over outcomes and continuing to live the life the best I can knowing that things are being taken care of.

I finally finished reading The Secret of Divine Civilization. I may have even read it all before, but forgot.  I’m trying to outline some of the main points so I can continue to have an idea of what it’s all about.  Got to hang out with my friend’s family today and enjoy some food.  I’m also feeling a small internal push to pinpoint subjects of interest to study and to pursue them.  Overall I feel content, acknowledging my worries and just trying to push through.

It’s Ridvan, things should be joyous.

It’s been nearly a month since I’ve updated my blog properly.  The art show has since come and gone.  With the extended registration deadline i was able to force myself to finish a few things over a weekend.  One of the interesting parts about the show was discovering who else had artistic hobbies as well.  There were plenty of amazing paintings, photos, ceramics, jewelry and other such things to go around.  I have plans of continuing artistic pursuits at a later date, probably somewhere in between getting my bearings on all the other things that have transpired.

There have been many changes at work, including a slight alteration in my job description involving more responsibility.  Alongside trying to update my understanding of how things operate, I’ve been trying to keep the pace with new situations that arise.  I’m attempting to give myself some credit for stepping in however inadequate or unprepared I feel at times.  Also in that time I made the big leap and moved from my previous scenic, however slightly inconvenient location to someplace closer to work and most other things.

Change in work, my flat, the people I live with, Spring is here, things are warmer, trying to bend with each circumstance, feeling better about some things, unsure about others; it’s a process but things are good.  There’s always something to learn!

The other night I met this guy at a coffee shop, a pilgrim enjoying his last full day in Haifa before returning to home with his brothers.  He talked about his interests, split talents in the sciences and the arts, a desire to do more meaningful service in life as well as deepening his participation in a few other things.   He seemed focused for his young years.  The Bahai world is small, everyone seems to say when they bid themselves farewell.  This is true, and more than likely I could run into him again.  In the meantime, I was briefly inspired by his dedication to some mutual interests and managed to spend most of my day in good company, reading, and painting.

My anxiousness and inner-critic sometimes gets in the way of doing anything, so I made myself start painting the canvas without stressing too much about a plan.  The only problem with not having a plan is that my mind changes so much during the process that it’s hard to develop something coherent.  Thankfully oil paints are slow drying and that I could change my mind, even days later.

The verdict:

A work in progress.  The art show is coming up next month and registration is due to be submitted in a few days.  I’m fairly certain that I won’t have anything finished in that time that I would feel confident presenting, but the deadline has gotten me thinking more about trying to steer myself back toward having a more consistent creative outlet.  I’m trying to gather as much inspiration as I can, through google images, nature, blogs, my own musings, and yes, pilgrims & other such artists.

The end of the Fast this past weekend marked another milestone.  It’s Spring, it’s a new year, our eating habits are back to normal (although I think I’ve eaten a little too much), things are shifting.  Again I’m having to adjust my sense of time and place.  There was a large Minnesota contingent that came together last week, beside the ones already serving here, some were on Pilgrimage, others came from a brief visit.  And for a moment I was able to reconnect with those that made it feel like home, those—new and old—were there to celebrate my first Naw-Ruz in the Holy Land.  After being in such a gathering I wondered:  Was it all a dream?  Where am I, really?

I’ve started to feel more at ease with life here, challenges and all.  As some people who I’ve finally gotten to know over the past seven months are starting to leave and think about their lives outside of the centre of the world, I’m trying to build excitement for the remaining two years.  At the pilgrim farewell I had the sudden opportunity to walk with someone on one of their last visits to the Shrine as staff and tangibly felt the mark of impermanence that’s stamped upon everyone’s journey at the World Centre.  Later on I sat with new friends and shared experiences about life at home and abroad.  Maybe it’s cliche to feel everything so distinctly between ‘death’ and ‘birth’, but it’s how I felt all day today.   Life is constantly in flux.  But for now, things are good!