seeking wisdom on the other side of the globe

Okay, so it’s taken me a little bit to get back into the blog-o-sphere.  With sporadic internet access outside of work I’ve taken the necessary refuge in softly bound notebooks and a couple of good pens I carry with me in the event of being inspired.  It’s been 11 months today since I’ve been in the Holy Land.  Things are going well, routine as things tend to get over time but always with room to grow as new challenges arise.  I’ve been thinking vaguely about the future and realized how bad I am at dealing with too many choices in life.  Sometimes you can’t make decisions because the time isn’t right but I still wonder if my fickle heart could use some direction.

Last night I was talking with someone from Zimbabwe, my facilitator for a class I take Sunday evenings.  She asked me a lot of questions like  how education worked back in the States and if people ever really got to know their neighbors or if there’s really that much open land available.  One difference she noted was the amount of opportunities one had if they grew up in America versus in say, Africa.  There isn’t so much back and forth about what should I pursue in the future. You know which occupations are beneficial, and you go with what works.  As I tried to describe my interests, academically and otherwise, she laughed, marvelling at how I’ve jumped from learning Japanese, Arabic, some Spanish and smattering of other languages with no real direction; how I thought about continuing to hone my skills and major in art but chose arts of the liberal variety instead.  What drives you in life? she asked, laughing harder.  I couldn’t give her a real answer, too many things hold my attention.

Recently during a talk someone gave for my Orientation mates and I,  the importance of having coherence in life was mentioned, particularly when it comes to your actions.  Don’t say you’re one thing and then act differently depending on who’s around you.  If you want to make a change in society, don’t invest your time in activities that make no sense together.  This can be applied to many things.  As I’ve gotten older it seems like I’ve lost some of that coherence.  Blame it on technology that steals away your attention span when you’re surfing from one site to another or in superficial relationships or other such vain imaginings.

Whatever the culprit, I’d like to reclaim some of that focus without worrying about making choices or answering the age old question of ‘what’s next’.  One step at a time.  Even if you’re not sure where you’re going at first, if you just start somewhere it’s better than spinning around in circles.

Looks who’s come sauntering back…

me. 

I haven’t updated in a couple of months; I didn’t even notice that the server had gone haywire until recently.  Kindly enough a friend prompted me to revive the Web site and restored it back to what it once was [almost].  As the entry prior indicates, the rest of my posts will be brought back shortly. 

As usual, I’m in another temporary location taking care of someone’s feline while they’re on vacation.  I’ve gained the reputation as the resident “cat-sitter” and while those aloof creatures are among my favorite friends, I’m reminded how thankful I am to only have this responsibility on an impermanent basis. 

In between busing, walking and contemplating, most of my hours have been spent at work, on occasion spending unpredictably long hours there.  I don’t mind most of the time.  I’m increasingly becoming more accustomed to my newest duties.  Part of the responsibility lies in being self-aware, trying to be cognizant of what’s fueling my actions.  When you work in a team and have to help encourage the strengths of the friends it’s important, however difficult at times, to think of the interests of the work over your own.  

However much I may quietly complain, I enjoy it all more than what I may let on at times.  Things just have a way of inserting themselves into conversations–comments that can be labeled as self-defeating or a little more pessimistic than intended.  Thankfully, other people are there to help point that out.  What can I say?  Life here is a fast-paced environment of action and reflection.  When viewed in the right spirit, there’s a lot of learning to be had.

Be not content with the ease of a passing day, and deprive not thyself of everlasting rest.  Barter not the garden of eternal delight for the dust-heap of a mortal world.  Up from thy prison ascend unto the glorious meads above, and from thy mortal cage wing thy flight unto the paradise of the Placeless. -Bahá’u’lláh

The other night I was at a talent show and one of the acts performed a song by Sam Sparro called ‘Black & Gold’.  The next day after sifting through some music I swiped from a friend’s laptop, I came across a remixed version of the song and have been listening to it continually ever since.  I found some more of his stuff on YouTube and found the lyrics to one particularly interesting.  He asks:  how do I climb out of this funk I’m in? And how do I cling to the frame of divine timing?  Why do I doubt sometimes that which I know for sure? And why when I’ve had enough I seem to ask for more?  Why do old habits die so hard, God knows I try and try…

Under the guise of dance beats and the occasional Prince-like sound, this guy seems to ask the questions I wonder about now and again.  It’s that long stream of consciousness that mirrors doubts and uncertainties.  We yearn for answers and sometimes seek them in the wrong places or are in the path of search and due to the delay in results it’s difficult to keep up the spirit of faith.  It’s something I’m constantly working on, trying not to mull too much over outcomes and continuing to live the life the best I can knowing that things are being taken care of.

I finally finished reading The Secret of Divine Civilization. I may have even read it all before, but forgot.  I’m trying to outline some of the main points so I can continue to have an idea of what it’s all about.  Got to hang out with my friend’s family today and enjoy some food.  I’m also feeling a small internal push to pinpoint subjects of interest to study and to pursue them.  Overall I feel content, acknowledging my worries and just trying to push through.

It’s Ridvan, things should be joyous.

It’s been nearly a month since I’ve updated my blog properly.  The art show has since come and gone.  With the extended registration deadline i was able to force myself to finish a few things over a weekend.  One of the interesting parts about the show was discovering who else had artistic hobbies as well.  There were plenty of amazing paintings, photos, ceramics, jewelry and other such things to go around.  I have plans of continuing artistic pursuits at a later date, probably somewhere in between getting my bearings on all the other things that have transpired.

There have been many changes at work, including a slight alteration in my job description involving more responsibility.  Alongside trying to update my understanding of how things operate, I’ve been trying to keep the pace with new situations that arise.  I’m attempting to give myself some credit for stepping in however inadequate or unprepared I feel at times.  Also in that time I made the big leap and moved from my previous scenic, however slightly inconvenient location to someplace closer to work and most other things.

Change in work, my flat, the people I live with, Spring is here, things are warmer, trying to bend with each circumstance, feeling better about some things, unsure about others; it’s a process but things are good.  There’s always something to learn!

The other night I met this guy at a coffee shop, a pilgrim enjoying his last full day in Haifa before returning to home with his brothers.  He talked about his interests, split talents in the sciences and the arts, a desire to do more meaningful service in life as well as deepening his participation in a few other things.   He seemed focused for his young years.  The Bahai world is small, everyone seems to say when they bid themselves farewell.  This is true, and more than likely I could run into him again.  In the meantime, I was briefly inspired by his dedication to some mutual interests and managed to spend most of my day in good company, reading, and painting.

My anxiousness and inner-critic sometimes gets in the way of doing anything, so I made myself start painting the canvas without stressing too much about a plan.  The only problem with not having a plan is that my mind changes so much during the process that it’s hard to develop something coherent.  Thankfully oil paints are slow drying and that I could change my mind, even days later.

The verdict:

A work in progress.  The art show is coming up next month and registration is due to be submitted in a few days.  I’m fairly certain that I won’t have anything finished in that time that I would feel confident presenting, but the deadline has gotten me thinking more about trying to steer myself back toward having a more consistent creative outlet.  I’m trying to gather as much inspiration as I can, through google images, nature, blogs, my own musings, and yes, pilgrims & other such artists.

The end of the Fast this past weekend marked another milestone.  It’s Spring, it’s a new year, our eating habits are back to normal (although I think I’ve eaten a little too much), things are shifting.  Again I’m having to adjust my sense of time and place.  There was a large Minnesota contingent that came together last week, beside the ones already serving here, some were on Pilgrimage, others came from a brief visit.  And for a moment I was able to reconnect with those that made it feel like home, those—new and old—were there to celebrate my first Naw-Ruz in the Holy Land.  After being in such a gathering I wondered:  Was it all a dream?  Where am I, really?

I’ve started to feel more at ease with life here, challenges and all.  As some people who I’ve finally gotten to know over the past seven months are starting to leave and think about their lives outside of the centre of the world, I’m trying to build excitement for the remaining two years.  At the pilgrim farewell I had the sudden opportunity to walk with someone on one of their last visits to the Shrine as staff and tangibly felt the mark of impermanence that’s stamped upon everyone’s journey at the World Centre.  Later on I sat with new friends and shared experiences about life at home and abroad.  Maybe it’s cliche to feel everything so distinctly between ‘death’ and ‘birth’, but it’s how I felt all day today.   Life is constantly in flux.  But for now, things are good!

But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?

I’ve been trying to write an entry for awhile now, getting halfway and then deciding not to continue.  I’m finally get a momentary breather before going to bed.  Having something to do is good, but when you have many things to do in a short amount of time between them, it can be frustrating to figure out how to schedule everything.  This evening I went to a farewell for a friend of mine and the ‘theme’ for the night was  divine confirmations.  People were encouraged to share stories of when they were lead onto the right path.  I tried to think of times where that happened, but couldn’t reach far enough into my memories.  Sometimes those moments are subtle, a vague feeling of what is right.  Other times it’s presented to you in an unusually obvious way.  Since I’ve been here I’ve been able to come up with a few general reasons as to why I ended up at the World Centre at this time.  I’m always trying to deepen my purpose; maybe it won’t be now, or sometime in the near future, but the things we’re exposed to has an affect even if we remain unaware.

As I cut through the Arc’s paths on my way to work, I often find myself wanting to take the time to admire the different types of plants and flowers, structures, textures and other elements that surround the Gardens.  I appreciate what little time I have before reaching the Office.  I was amazed how clear everything was this afternoon after witnessing the cloudiness of the past few days due to khamsin.  With the Fast and all I’ve been more apt to work through most of lunch break.  Keeping up with the demands of the office has become my focus the past week or so and therefore it’s been as busy as ever and, consequently, there’s been less time to register that I may be tired or hungry (although I’m reminded when me and an office mate of mine start sending each other pictures of food).  All of this whirlwind may be catching up to me though, and so it’s time to call it a night.

Day one of the Fast.

It’s before six in the morning and yet I’ve already gotten over nine hours of sleep.  Last night wasn’t one of my shining moments.  Inwardly irritated, nauseaus and headachey, I finally excused myself from class trudged slowly down the street to the flat.  No way did I want to feel like that, not during Fast or when personnel resources at work are needed.

Birds are singing although there are no definitive signs of daybreak.  I can, however, detect the faint tinge of blue creeping across the horizon.  It’s coming.

Since I’m working at the World Centre, I was even more mindful of the approaching Fast.  Anticipating the sacrifice of foregoing daily coffee breaks (the apparent life-blood among Office workers), the occasional snack at the desk and satisfying entrees during lunch, the friends talked jokingly about what they’ll miss the most during the coming 19 days.  From sunup to sundown Bahais are exhorted to give up food and drink in exchange for the opportunity to develop their spiritual capacities as they strive to adjust their inner life.

Someone mentioned that they wanted to make goals for the Fast in order to keep focused.  What are my goals?  I haven’t fleshed them out just yet, but hope to soon.  The sun has now risen, much to do before work begins.

Even though outwardly the Fast is difficult and toilsome, yet inwardly it is bounty and tranquillity.  Purification and training are conditioned and dependent only on such rigorous exercises as are in accord with the Book of God and sanctioned by Divine law, not those which the deluded have inflicted upon the people.  Whatsoever God hath revealed is beloved of the soul.  We beseech Him that He may graciously assist us to do that which is pleasing and acceptable unto Him. Baha’u'llah